It all started with a Lindsay Lohan movie
And losing my earphones
Some simple damn earphones
To my broken mp3 player
Needing to escape from myself
And my thoughts
Escape into music
Like I always have
Like I used to
When I was worthless
Now wondering
If I ever truly disproved it
Wanting to escape the weights
Bearing down on my very being
That even I couldn't see for years
Frantically ripping my room apart
As the pieces to my patched together existence
To find what I desire so much
Retracing all my steps
Wanting so badly to know what I'm even looking for
Or even how to find it at all
Anything at all
What can give me solace?
What is it exactly that I need solace from?
Okay… so, fold the pants
Fold and roll the shirts
Hang up the sweaters
Hang the hoodies
Unhinge the guilt
Tuck away the depression
Sweep away the fatigue
Suck up the pain
Frantically searching and crying
Where the fuck are they?!
I need my comfort!
Like Nana's homemade banana pudding
I'm finally feeling the weight of
21 years of neglect
Failure
Insults
Abuse
Trying so hard
To be accepted and wanted and approved of
In the eyes of people who
Clearly don't even approve of themselves
To them I am a mistake
Without realizing, I took on their mantle as my own
Always expected to be the one to
Excel above the rest
To do what was never done
To write everyone else's wrongs
And then apologize for doing it
I am here in spite of them and I'm sorry for it
Never understanding how my mere existence
Can be an affront to theirs
Constantly being the one to be tested
And unforgiven for my lack of perfection
No matter how hard I try
All that I am and more is never enough
In anyone else's eyes
Yet I am expected to
Suck it up and deal
Take it all lying down
While on the subject of lying down
I'm just sick and tired
Of being bound to the imperfections of flesh
To want the companionship of another
Not to complete me but to give me
That solace
Sick of wanting someone else
To take my headaches away
Never able to focus on what I need
Always pleasing whoever he is
Expected to be the answer to his prayers
While he becomes the reasons for mine
Sick of giving
Myself
My body
My heart
Everything that is the makings of me
Never getting anything
Nearly as precious in return
I'm never afforded the same honesty
I'm always made to deal
with his fuckin baggage
being surrounded and still alone
So, sitting,
legs folded
holding myself
half-naked
I see myself forreal for probably the first time
Undone and unapologetically
AND I CRIED
For all the times that I didn't
All the times that I couldn't
All the times that I should have
For all the times that I felt like
Doing the unthinkable
For all the punishment I've put myself through
For all the punishment I've been given
For simply being me
For not knowing how to handle it
I FUCKIN CRIED
My room's a fuckin mess
And I can't clean it
I can't move
Why can't I just find the fuckin headphones
And push the goddamn easy button
And erase it all
I tell myself the same crap over and over again
And it seems good on the surface
But I sit staring into the darkness
Of the inside of my eyes
Biting my nails to a bloody mess
Crying like it's goin outta style
And I can't just figure out how
To make it all better
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