Tuesday, February 26, 2008


ok here's the thing
i'm on a path of personal growth and i'm steadily learning and maturing and becoming the higher me. i encourage anyone and everyone to do this.
so this will b a series of blogs, including the last few and many more to come, that will express my thoughts, realizations, etc.

This one's on FORGIVENESS. One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn, I'm just beginning to learn, and still have a ways to go. And i dont mean in a cocky way as in saying "i forgive u, u fuck up... b/c i'm the better/bigger person" or anything like that.

Madea said it on "Class Reunion" and I knew there was validity to it but I couldnt fully apply it to myself. I didnt realize that I had actually not forgiven just about anyone lol. I didnt feel that I was harboring stuff, I felt that I was angry and rightfully so because I had been wronged. There's not really anything wrong with that. We're all entitled to our feelings and opinions unless absolutely and ridiculously unfounded. Even when it angers someone else, feel however you want unless/until you learn differently. But there's real power in that notion of forgiveness. FORGIVE THEM. And not just in an empty way cuz that's just the thing to do. They probably didnt mean to do you wrong deliberately and even if they did, people are going to be however they are and there isnt anything that you physically or personally can do about that. You can't help how someone else is, good or bad. IF you reveal to someone that something about them and their behavior hurts you and they love you enough that they at least attempt to do something about it, that's good and keep them around. YOU CANNOT MAKE someone atone or face something or anything like that, especially not on your own time table. You can merely bring it to their attention and openly and honestly tell them where you're coming from on it. You can ask and desire and even maybe demand or beseech, but you cannot outright EXPECT, even tho u'd like it to happen, need or require it to happen and would b disappointed/hurt it it doesnt. Help them understand what you're going through. But regardless, forgive people for simply being themselves. You can ask no more than that of them.

But dont forget lol. You didn't go through whatever it was for nothing. Don't guilt folks. If you say you truly forgive then do so and move on from that particular issue. Seek closure, whatever that may mean. There's something very wrong when whenever you look at, see pictures of or think of someone, your face twists up, you get upset, you get mad or u start saltin in any type of way. Even if you jump sayin "ionn wanna talk about it" there's clearly still deeply seeded pain there. Don't even get spiteful. FORGIVE!!!!

Then, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Now that's even deeper.
Dont get all depressed. Depressed is just anger turned inwards. Anger is a very valuable feeling. Honor your feelings. Accept them. Learn and grow from them. If you see things about u that need improving then do so. When being involved with others, compromise is required. Free yourself. Free your mind. Free your conscience. Free your heart. Don't stunt your own growth, especially if it was b/c of someone else's stupidness. Once you're free, you can experience true love; for yourself and with someone else.

If you need to let go of someone or something for the time being to allow it to happen later in life when times are better, do so. DO NOT expect yourself to b able to flick the off switch today or even tomorrow for that matter, but it'll get easier with time. Anyone else who would expect that of you might want to be more patient as well you should be with them. Yes, I understand that.... for myself and others. (If you think it applies to you, it most likely does )

the next "lesson" may be PATIENCE.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Flaws and All

let me take out this time to do a self-evaluation. just some things i know/notice about my own personality that may (or may not) rub other folks the wrong way. if u got any more feel free to list em. no i wont get mad, yes i really would like to know. just b careful and not selfish.

  • i'm really really honest. i'm really really blunt. i have an extremely vast vocabulary and speaking comes to me like i was born for it so i can read u the riot act and think nothin of it.
  • i let things slide maybe when i shouldnt
  • i dont let things slide maybe when i should
    • i dont believe in "impossible".... at least not usually. so i dont give up.
  • i can overthink things. i can also overanalyze things. but the funny thing about it is that i dont realize how right i was until waaaaaaaaaaay down the line. but that's always right in a terrible way, sadly
  • ppl (guys) say i dont listen. but i do. wholeheartedly. it just wont necessarily change my mind. they take my reluctance to drop my own opinion and assume theirs as me not listening. naw, i heard u. i considered it. i just believe my own conclusion more.
  • as clear as i try to make myself, folk still get it twisted
    • it has been thought of me SEVERAL times, to be raving mad (angry), buggin out, absolutely depressed, etc. when i actually wasnt.
  • i have a dirty mouth
  • i'm very laid back on some things and i know that things i say arent to b taken so seriously so one of my mottos is "it aint that serious". ppl dont like being told that (esp. not men)
  • i'm a lot of paradoxes that work all at the same time so for a long time at first, i'm hard to read. i'll admit that. i'm very hard to understand for a long time. at least for most. there has been an exception
  • i'm intimidating
  • i overexplain myself (maybe).
  • not so much a bad thing but: i ask a lot of questions. if somethin doesnt make sense or doesnt sit well with me, i ask questions till it does. nobody likes that
    • i like to know. i hate to be confused. "it" (whatever "it" may be) just wont leave me alone until i know and/or understand.
    • that and my bluntness and tendency to overexplain myself being the case, I dont like to assume (altho i may sometimes) and i'm not psychic. so unless you make something absolutely crystal to me, i dont know what it is and go on behaving as tho it doesnt exist, unless and until you make whatever it is clear to me. that reeeeally tends to upset ppl.
  • i analyze ppl. it's so i can better understand and know u but still. ppl dont like being picked apart.
  • i have too much patience on some things and none at all on others
  • it depends..... that goes for almost everything
  • it takes me much longer to really digg a guy like he'll digg me. at least at first and it can go on for months. kinda kills me when a dude is like ready to marry me within a few short weeks... weirds me out pretty badly actually.
  • i have some pet peeves and lots of things fall under the umbrella of those pet peeves and they make me really "alert", to put it nicely lol that main one is insulting my intelligence
    • on top of that... another pet peeve is the insatiable will to be me and to be free. it's not just a zodiac thing. it's just me. without goin into a treatise, i'll just say that if ever or for any reason i feel like i'm being caged and restricted and controlled and confined, goodness knows how it unfolds but there will be no peace
  • i'm very "don't give a fuck"
  • along with my bluntness i'm very sarcastic
  • i have times when i feel on top of the world and times when i come undone (it's extremely temporary but hits hard nonetheless... i go thru stuff here and there)
  • i'm extremely intellectual. so much so that sometimes it kinda blurs across with just the way that I talk. but at the same time, that's the way i've always talked and was raised to talk.
  • sometimes i bugg. like, bugg out. like it may seem like --- to u but for whatever reason it's !!!!!!!!!! to me so i go a lil !!!!!!!! about it. that just comes with understanding me and like i said, that's not easy to do so.... ::shrugs::
  • i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE being ignored. or treated as if invisible.
  • i demand reciprocity. if/when i give of myself i expect the same back in the like. no, i'm not being sarcastic, i'm just saying. if i disagree with thinking that you've treated me properly in this way, i definitely open my mouth about it. ppl dont always necessarily agree with that. then, whether they do or not, usually, still doesnt change much lol.

(to b continued...)